My life is different today because I’ve fully surrendered to God, and His will for my life. It took so long, but there are times when we have to go through the fire to be refined.
Today is a test for me. My son (adopted grandson) was told by his biological mother on his birthday (May 18) that she was sending him something in the mail. It never came. He was disappointed and began acting out. After 2 weeks of this, I finally had a talk with him and had him write down everything that had been bothering him. Everything was just a symptom. Then, the very last thing was the fact that she didn’t keep her word. That was it. I allowed him to text her about it, and she told him that she would send it out the next day. Still nothing. More disappointment for him.
I’ll take a step back in time now;
When my first husband and I got divorced, I had no clue of the impact it would have on my kids. I had never experienced divorce, only the fighting of my parents (which was almost as bad). I learned at a very young age that when people wronged me, if I didn’t stand up for myself, nobody else would. So, in that part of my life, I became very confrontational. When my kids were wronged, I became their advocate and like a lioness, I would be aggressive. I had no role model. I didn’t realize how far I’d allowed myself to go. My yelling, screaming, cursing, and rage was out of control. It became a ‘default button’. Not good. I couldn’t even stop myself once I got into that mode. It was very bad. It started when I was about 7 or 8. A Christian Counselor once told me that I’d made a deal with Satan. “How could an innocent child have the awareness to do such a thing” I asked. He explained that I wasn’t aware. I had just made my mind up at that time that nobody would do this to me again, and that was an agreement. I didn’t like hearing that, and as hard as I tried to change, I continued with the same anger.
Then, one day I started changing. Slowly, but surely, God was showing me things that really opened my eyes, and it’s because of His truth in scripture that I was able to see how I was at fault. Although it was somebody else who had wronged me, I was responsible for how I handled the situation. I became the judge and prosecutor. By my reliving the events in my mind over and over, I would give myself permission to behave in that manner as well as justifying my behavior. I was just as bad as those who wronged me. I’m continuously being tested. So far, I’ve passed.
Today is a test as I said. No more confrontation. No more anger. I understand his bio mom. She, too was a product of an adoption by a mother who didn’t want her. She is repeating behaviors. It’s not my job to bring this to her attention. I’m not taking God’s job away from Him anymore. It’s my job to protect my son from himself. Instead of allowing him to go through life feeling betrayed, hurt, rejected and lots of anger and resentment that stems from all of that, we talk about it. We go to the promises that God has given us.
Blessing – God has put a godly man in our lives who is able to minister to Isaiah. He counsels him, he has been through a great deal himself, so he has much experience and emotions to draw from, and is able to speak truth and life into him.
A small voice tells me to contact the bio mom and give her a piece of my mind, but God tells me “I’ve brought you this far, I love you as you are, there’s no need for you to tell her anything.” I know this is her life, and it’s not about Isaiah.
I’m feeling very loved by God. I’m obeying Him, therefore, I have no drama, much peace and complete Shalom in my life.
P.S. One more thing…..I found Erica’s son, Braden. I know where He is. God has really opened doors for me. I don’t feel led to contact the family. I want Braden to be happy, and heal from all the negative that he endured from his early life in those very short years he was with Erica. I’m praying for him, and would like everybody who reads this to pray for him as well.
I love you, Erica and Braden. I miss you both so much! That hole in my heart is starting to heal, but it will always be dented.