I don’t like talking about Erica’s death. I didn’t like thinking about her. Because, If Erica had any place in my world for more than 5 seconds, I would go into a deep dark place. A place that nobody is prepared to face. The pain was more than I could bear.
My grief had turned to anger. It seems that whatever happens in my life that is a negative, I default to anger. Not because I want to, not because I it helps me, but that’s how I’m wired. So, considering that I can’t be an angry person, I chose to not deal with my grief.
I’ll say this….every person who I’ve met since she passed away who has lost a child won’t talk about it. They are not good for support. We all have deep side affects as a result and I don’t know about you, but I’m a changed person. I don’t like the new me, and I’m sure there are many of you out there who feel the same. But, how do we get past it? We’ll never be like we were before. But, who do we turn to for the help that we all need? For me, it was nobody. Words will not console me. Hugs and sad, empathetic faces will not console me.
For me, grief has become a shadow to me. It’s there the same way love, hate and anger are. It has become part of my life. The same way losing a limb would forever change me.
A couple of weeks ago, I was doing some shopping. Once I was through and in my car, it hit me from out of the blue, as it does. Erica came in to my mind. This time I decided that I would allow what ever happened to take its’ course. And, take its’ course it did. The floodgates opened for me. I cried, and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I didn’t know it was in me. It’s hard writing this, as the tears are welling up. I yelled, I was screaming, and asking God so many questions that I’d had bottled up. Yelling at Erica! Yelling at the air….whoever was listening! All the way home I did this. I’m sure passing motorists were wanting to call 911 on me. For over 30 minutes, I was this way….and you know what? It felt so good when I was through.
That was it. There was more healing in those 30 minutes than there had been since August 30, 2012.
I wasn’t ready to grieve like that until that very moment, and God knew. Everybody handles their grief in different stages. Not one stage is the same for 2 people. I would ignore the emails I got from support groups I had joined. I didn’t want to hear somebody else talk about losing their child, because I know that pain. It’s a loss and pain which alienates many of us.
When Jacob thought he lost Joseph, he went into mourning and lived that way. It was as if he had died with him. Of course, he had many other children, but he really loved Joseph, and he didn’t hesitate to announce the fact that Joseph was his favorite. Once he discovered that Joseph wasn’t dead, and in fact was alive and wanted to see him, he came back to life! I have a feeling that he wasn’t the same person as before he thought Joseph had died though.
I’m OK now. I’ll never be good or perfect to suit myself. I can think about Erica now and know that that deep, dark place is gone. She will be waiting for me when it’s my turn. She and my dad are waiting for me, and my time on this earth is not at an end yet. Until then, may God do in me what He wills. I’m His vessel and I want to laugh again. Be happy again. Most of all, I have peace now. A peace that passes ALL understanding.
God Bless all of you who are struggling as I do.
A daughter of The Most High God,