As I sit here and think about everything that’s bottled up inside me, wanting it to all come out at once, I wonder what should come out first. Am I supposed to feel guilty for not thinking about Erica as much as I used to or should? Who knows how much I’m supposed to grieve. I’ve found myself thinking about Erica and Braden, and immediately dismissing them. They were a major part of my life. I cannot continue to live in sadness. It’s destroying me. It’s affecting my relationships with other people. I no longer want to define myself as a mom who lost her child. Since May of 2008, stuff just started to happen and I was in a downward spiral. I hit bottom. I’ve really been down there for a very long time, and there was no rope that I could use to pull myself out with. I’ve tried for 61/2 years on my own, and to no avail. Hurt, anger, depression, self hatred, guilt, condemnation were my hats. As much as I’ve tried with therapy, and prayer, nothing seemed to work. That season in my life…
A time to die, A time to uproot what was planted, A time to tear down, A time to weep, A time to mourn, A time to shun embracing, A time to give up as lost, A time to throw away, A time to hate, A time for war.
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace
I had a life changing moment today. Well, yesterday. I didn’t realize yesterday that in that moment, my life would change as it has. There’s only been one other time in my life that I can recall that this has happened. But, as my moment from yesterday continued to grow into today, I realize now that it’s life changing. I’m holding on, feeding it and I know that it will continue to grow. My hat is gone. Just gone….and I’m not searching for it. I no longer want to entertain a single thought that will hurt me.
In my spirit, I have just entered a new season –
A time for PEACE, A time for LOVE, A time to be SILENT, A time to Keep.
I’ve been through a lot. I was unable to identify the specifics, but looking back, it’s very simple to see.
I’m looking forward to the future now.
A Psalm of David.
23 The Lord is my shepherd,
I [a]shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside [b]quiet waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He guides me in the [c]paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the [d]valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You [f]have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 [g]Surely goodness and loving-kindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.
The most difficult thing in my whole life was walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I know what that means now.
God was there all along. He allowed me to go through all of that so I could appreciate ALL of His goodness. And, I am.