Once again, I’m sitting here writing because I can’t pick up the phone and call you. It seems like so long ago that I heard your voice. I’ll never forget what you sound like. I’ll never forget your laugh. I’ll never forget what you sound like when you cry.  I’ll never forget what it feels like to hug you. I’ll never forget what Braden meant to you.
I still wonder if you can see or hear me. I’ve never thought so much about life after death until you left us. I prefer not to, because it takes away from my quality of life here. I find myself at times just dwelling on it. I don’t like it. I want to go back in time. I want to go back to when I had you. I want to believe that I could have changed our future.

I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us, and it doesn’t include our parents, spouses, children, siblings or friends. Are you walking with Him? Talking with Him? Watching out for Braden? WHERE ARE YOU???

Love is such a complicated emotion. Without it, we cannot have precious memories. We cannot see ourselves and the need for change. Without it, we wouldn’t continue to have more children. Without it, we wouldn’t have the need for social interaction. We wouldn’t grieve. I can’t imagine having no love and just never thinking and grieving over you! I don’t ever want to know that feeling, because that would mean that there’s no love in me, and what’s the absence of love? Nothing.  It’s nothingness. God truly IS love. He allowed me the miracle of having this great love with you, Bryan, Lindsay and Isaiah. I’ve come to know that you don’t have to give birth to have the same love with an adopted child. He’s just as precious to me. Maybe in a way, I see him as a different type of blessing because he’s my grandson and I’ve seen God’s hand at work by placing him with us, and seeing the fruit of my (and dad’s) work with him.

You know, life since you and Grandpa left, the family has completely deteriorated. I don’t feel any hope of a reconciliation with anybody anymore. Grandma has become heartless, cold, calloused, and indifferent to life and people. Even though she has Carl, I don’t think she has the capability of loving or caring for anybody. The few times I was around them, I saw the interaction between them. I think he loves her, but I don’t see it in her. I don’t know if she’s ever had it in her.

Well, I need to get on with my day. I’m very happy to get up every morning, and for my life to look forward to. I pray for Braden every time he crosses my mind. I trust God that he is living a blessed life.

I will always love you,

Mom