It’s been so long since I’ve written here. I’ve never been good at journaling or writing daily, or often. It’s just that when I get depressed, upset or stuff happens, my mind feels like it’s in a blender. I think about you, Erica every single day. I feel like I’ve failed you in so many ways, and the lastest way is about Braden. You have to know, as I’m sure you already do that I’ve tried so hard to get him, and because we live in Oregon, it was more difficult. Karen betrayed me and made it possible that Braden went to live with Lindsay and Ben. They didn’t keep him and took him back down to Social Services. He’s in a foster home now. Nobody will allow me to talk to him, or have any communication at all. They’ve been treating me as a criminal since you passed away. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I withdrew my application. They’ve contacted me about sending information about you to them so Braden will have it. Yeah, right. They’re not getting anything from me. If they don’t want to allow me to have a relationship with him, then I’ll wait for him to grow up. I’ll be praying that he comes to see me when he gets old enough.

I don’t know where or how he is. It’s so incredibly painful to think about it, that all I want to do is just cry when I do. I try to busy myself and my mind to NOT think about it. Now I know why people self medicate. Numbing is sometimes easier…..although I, myself wouldn’t know because I haven’t done that. Something inside me just can’t. I feel the pain. It’s like I’m meant to experience it. Losing a child is like losing part of me.

Bryan has disappointed me beyond belief. Lindsay still doesn’t talk to us, and we still don’t know why. She has the most beautiful baby girl. Her name is Emma Kate. I don’t have a relationship with any of you kids, and I feel like I’m living in somebody elses’ life….not my own. This seems like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I just seem to go through the motions of living my life here with Dad and Isaiah. I try very hard to be a good wife and mom, but it’s overwhelming at times.

I’ll try to write again soon. We’re going to see Grandma and Carl in a couple of days. I need to show her how to use her Tablet, and give her a laptop, and teach her how to use it as well. Grandma really misses you and is broken over what’s happened with Braden as well. I’m glad that she has Carl.

I love you so incredibly much, and miss you the same. Someday I will see you again…..