A couple of days ago, I was looking for a different necklace to wear. As I was fishing through my stuff, I came across a pendant that Erica gave to me many years ago. Because of the fact that I had other kids, I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by wearing something that only one of my kids gave to me. I was always concerned about one child not feeling as important as the others. That type of thinking is so wrong. Considering that my other kids weren’t as generous, but had other qualities, I didn’t know how to embrace that mindset. I’ve hung Bryan’s drawings on the wall. I’ve posted and hung pictures of Lindsay and her achievements. I suppose that NOW, it doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now is that I KNOW. I will wear this necklace with pride. I’m proud that I had a daughter who thought enough of me to gift me with jewelry. She was always a very giving person. She has given me other things that I didn’t put out because ‘it wasn’t my taste’. Shame on me. It was HER taste. It was an extension of who she was. My home should have been filled with ‘family’ stuff….not just ‘Eileen or Paul’s things’.
When we were selling our stuff in Redding before we left, Erica bought a set of dishes from us, and many other things. Not for herself, but for her friends’ mother. I didn’t accept Erica for who she really was. I was always pre occupied with her ‘lifestyle’. There, I said it out loud. God always knew this about me. I always knew this about me. It’s very difficult and shameful to say. I would do anything to have her back to change things. Considering that I can never have that wish, I can only go through the rest of my life as a changed person. Just for the record, it was only in her adult life that we had this conflict of interest.
Sometimes when we give birth, we change. Sometimes when our child dies, we change once again. This time, I’ve changed in the way God wants me to see others. He doesn’t want me to see their ‘lifestyle’. He wants me to see their heart.
This is my most precious gift from my kids. Thank You, Lord for opening my eyes and heart.
Erica was born to save me, she died to save me from myself. Her death was NOT in vain.
She will always be in my heart, and now around my neck.