It’s been one year since Erica’s been gone. In so many ways, I still believe that my phone’s going to ring, and she’s going to be there. All I have left are my memories. Her laugh, her crying, her sadness, her joy. I remember when she told me that she was pregnant and having Braden. He was her ‘miracle’ baby because she had been told that she couldn’t get pregnant. She had a disease that affected her ovaries. It’s called ‘Polycystic Ovary Syndrome’ http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview. I wish I had taken it more serious, as it causes heart disease. I probably couldn’t have done anything about it. She told me many times that it caused weight gain and the other health problems that she had. I’ve felt so bad about her health problems, and although I know there was nothing I could do about it, I still somehow felt a little responsible.
I kept myself very busy yesterday, so I didn’t sit and cry. Paul was so gracious and thoughtful. He brought out our memorial light, and as we stood together, he prayed. I didn’t need anything else from him….just that. I can’t thank God enough for him.
I’m also very thankful to God for allowing me to spend the first part of my day with not only Paul and Isaiah, but my mom and Carl. They had been visiting with us for a couple of days, and made sure that they were with me on that day. It was very meaningful to me. I know Erica would be very pleased as well. I don’t believe that she would want me to sit around in grief, letting my life just slip away.
My sadness is still there when I think about her. It’s just not so overwhelming that it feels like it’s going to swallow me anymore. There’s still part of me that’s missing. The part that grew when I gave birth to her. Even now, I still feel very different than before August 30, 2012. I will never be the same. I never knew that a loss like this changes a person whether we want it or not. Our identity is in the ones we cherish and love so deeply.
If you’re reading this, my prayer for you is that you will never have to walk in my shoes. I don’t wish for anybody to experience this. It’s more than we can bear at times.
I belong to a group that nobody wants or wishes to join.
Take care, all who read this and make sure that you love and cherish your loved ones with all of your heart. Make sure you tell them not only that you love them, but how much they mean to you. Saying the words “I love you”, “luv Ya”, and the like are just shallow words unless you express meaning behind them.