As I sit here today, I am more undone than I was 8 months ago when I heard those haunting words from Paul….. “Erica was found……”. I don’t remember what else he said. I was unable to think. The room was spinning, and I didn’t believe him for a minute. My mom had called. I answered the phone, and she asked for Paul. There was no change in her voice to indicate to me that anything was wrong.
That phone call changed my life. I had never wanted to imagine what life would be like without one of my children. So, when I would hear or read of a child death, I put it out of my mind. The thought of that type of pain was just too much for me to bear. Now I’m facing it head on….like it or not. All I could do for the next 2 weeks was go into ‘take care of business’ mode. We had to make arrangements. We were 12 hours away.
I remember going into labor with you. I was scared. So scared that I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I had already given birth once, so what was the big deal? I didn’t know. The feeling was overwhelming, but I had to push it aside because like it or not, you were only coming out one way! Early on in the pregnancy, I wanted a boy. I really wanted Bryan to have a brother. It didn’t really matter to me if I had a girl. I grew up with 4 sisters, so I wanted at least one more boy before having girls. Before long, I just felt that it wasn’t to be. This pregnancy was so different than with Bryan. I had so much pain. Clear up until I went into labor. I couldn’t walk without almost falling from you pressing on “that” nerve that went down my leg. And you were pulling on my belly button…..I just knew you were! When you came out, you were blue and not breathing. I remember how you looked. After I got into a room and they brought you to me, I held you and couldn’t believe how “pretty” your face was. It wasn’t all scrunched, it was very peaceful and pretty.
I can hear you say, “hi Mom”…”I Love You”…”I wish things were different between you and me”….”guess what you’re grandson did today”….”I just sent you a picture of Braden, he lost his first tooth”…..on and on the words play out in my mind. Your words….never to be forgotten by me.
You weren’t suppose to die! You were suppose to live!!!…come home, let me homeschool Braden, you get a job, get on your feet, and I would take care of Braden while you worked. That’s what your plan was. You moved in, got involved on your computer and friends and the plan failed. You left 5 days later in anger. Gawd, I could explode right now at the thought! We fought bitterly, and never recovered. I didn’t see you again until we were on our way home from L.A. after Dad’s surgery. I’m so glad that I saw you then. I hugged you….I think. At least I’d like to believe that I did. Your life was spiraling out of control, and you were in a bad situation. I learned that after I got your computer and read stuff. If you would have called and asked us to take Braden until you got your life together, we would have in a heartbeat. I don’t know what caused your blood clot, but I know that you knew your health wasn’t good. I wish I knew what was in your head that you didn’t call for help. At the very least, 911. But, God has our days numbered before we are even born. You were the same age as His son, did you know that?
Erica, I have so many regrets. Let me start by saying, I’m so very sorry that I didn’t cherish you the way a mother should have cherished her daughter. I wish I tried harder with you.
I’m very happy that you were able to experience what it was like to have a life growing inside you, and to give birth to that life. It’s a feeling like no other. I know you loved being pregnant and feeling Braden moving inside you. God gave you that gift, and I thank Him for that. I thank Him everyday for giving me the joy and gift of sharing in your labor and delivery of my grandson.
Lindsay and Ben are going to make great parents. Right now, if he were here, he’d be miserable. I have more bad days than good. I wouldn’t be able to give him the education he needs and deserves.
I’m dedicating this site to you. There will be pictures for all who wish to view, and see your life. You deserve far more than that.
I’m going for now, but I’ll be back to write more. Just remember, I love you. Give Grandpa a hug for me please and tell him that I love him.