I left myself wide open. At least when Erica was here, I felt complete. I had someplace to put her when she would cross my mind. If we weren’t speaking, I’d justify not calling her, or the other way around. When I think about my other two kids, I did the same. The key word is “did”. Not anymore.
I now live in the fear that I never knew before. That’s part of my recovery.
When we have children, our hearts are so full. Even when they’re breaking because of an argument, they’re still whole….just a little stomped on. If we could see a mother’s heart when she’s at the end, we’d probably see a heart that’s been pummeled, but still whole. If we could see a mother’s heart after losing a child, there would be a piece missing. It doesn’t matter how old the child is. She could be a fetus, stillborn, or a grown woman…it doesn’t matter. Our “mother” hearts start growing the minute we discover we’re pregnant. We think of the new baby….what will he/she look like? What will their personality be like? What will they become with their life? How will I raise her/him? Will they be healthy? So many questions that consume our thoughts.
When she’s an adult with a child of her own, we can only pray for them, offer advice if and when they ask, and gently guide them. If they make wrong choices, our hearts ache for them, so we try to keep as close as possible to keep tabs on them. Once things are going the way we want, our hearts are happy again. We forget about the sleepless nights, the endless praying. We are just very happy, and our hearts are no worse for wear. So, we continue to go through life in this manner. Always with hope and trust that “she’s just going to have to get over it”, or “when I’m not so angry, I’ll call her” mentality.
Unfortunately this is the way it is with people today. I wish and pray with all of my being that somebody out there would read this and “get it”. It’s not about “me”. Is the argument/fight going to matter or change the course of our lives a year from now? A month from now? Tomorrow? How would you feel if you just said to that person….”OK, I see that I’ve upset you. I’ll take the responsibility and apologize. It’s not worth going through this turmoil.” There are always more than two people who are affected and offended when there’s an argument. Pride and ego are our two worst enemies! I’ve come to realize that. I have neither left in me. I use to feel that if I apologized, then they would see me as weak and vulnerable and just do it again. Those are both lies from the devil.
I would love to see my youngest daughter face to face and just hug her and tell her how much she means to me and that I love her so much. Yes, she’s pummeled my heart, but there’s no hole from her. When I think of her, all I can do is ask God….”What did I do to drive her away 5 years ago?” She hasn’t and still won’t speak to me. She was in Afghanistan for many, many months. I prayed relentlessly for her safety. She came home safely (I’ve been thanking God ever since), but still won’t speak to us. Does this add to my broken heart? I believe you know the answer to that. She’s now raising my grandson….Erica’s son. Will I even ever see him again? I’ve had to close my heart to that idea months ago. It’s just too much pain for me to bear.
People can say “I’ll treat so-and-so as a death”…..as if they died, and justify their actions/behaviors towards said person indefinately. The problem with that is they compartmentalized that person. They always have a place to put them when they cross their mind. Whether it’s due to emotions stirred up from some incident x amount of years ago, or that the person continues to harass them….either way, they continue to hold a grudge. They continue to judge, condemn, sentence and punish that person. My husband and I don’t even know what the offense was that caused her to reject us.
I said that this site is about Erica. Well, it is. Erica was such a forgiving person. It didn’t matter that she and I would argue. If she was happy about something, she would always call me to share in her joy. She didn’t allow her pride or ego to get in the way of not calling. She never held a grudge. She was like her father that way….a trait to be admired. I loved that part about you Ken!
So for now, please….if you’re upset with somebody, pick up the phone and call them. Forget about the offense…it doesn’t matter. Life is too short to compartmentalize ANYBODY in a negative manner.